What do you regret

What do you regret when your life comes to an end?

I'm sitting by the bed of ninety-five year old Ruth. Today she doesn't find the strength two doors down to get into the dining room. I've been with her for five years and we have a trusting, family relationship.
What do we regret when our life comes to an end? I ask the brave Ruth about it. “I would do everything the same way again. Above all, I would like to do the same job as a kindergarten teacher again the next time I come to earth, ”she replies with beaming eyes. She gasps for a moment and focuses on her breathing. After a while she says: Or maybe there is something ...

Then the old lady tells me what she thought and felt at the time as a nineteen-year-old young woman: “I was helplessly at the mercy of the Russians and couldn't defend myself when they tore me down. I fell on the street and two Russians raped me. ”Now I'm gasping for air. She goes on to say: “I couldn't keep up my first impulse to keep the unspeakable from the family, because I soon found out that I was pregnant. Bringing a “Russian child” into the world was out of the question for me. ”I tell her how well I understand this as a woman and I am deeply moved that she confides in me.

She loves children, but thought she would never have her own after this experience. "I can never get close to a man and trust a man again," she believes after the abortion. But life has something else in mind for her. At a later family reunion, Ruth meets a young man who has returned from captivity. You learn to love each other carefully and slowly. Both have retained an untouched hope deep inside. You have discovered something within you that has remained untouched by all the blows of fate and suffering. Together they are so strong and happy that they have three children. Ruth is a loving lion mother who finds it difficult to let go of her adult children today. She agrees with me with a smile.
I validate your words: you regret not having given birth to your first child. Tears roll down her cheek.

“It wasn't always easy in life. But when such thoughts come, I think about them for a moment and then make a conscious decision not to give them any power. That's how I've done it all my life, ”she replies, as if the words were meant for herself. I take Ruth in my arms, who had to face such tough challenges that they shaped her character like a hot forge. It was up to Ruth to decide how to react to this situation, but whatever she decided to do, the experience was so intense that it changed Ruth in every case.

Ruth sleeps a little. I leave the room quietly and think to myself: Your three children can be proud of their mother. I will miss Ruth one day. But now is not the time for it. I feel that deep within me with a great certainty.