Do you think about your exes often?

Are you still thinking about your ex? That does not mean anything

Unsuspecting, you go about everyday life, cleaning the bathroom or doing similar profanity - and suddenly your ex's face appears in your mind's eye. Regardless of whether it is a song, a film, a phrase or simply a thoughtlessly wandering brain - a tiny bit is enough and the memory of the old love is back.

What then follows is often a brief shock, a bit of shame, a few isolated feelings of guilt and a cloud of anger. Regardless of whether you are in a new relationship or single, because nobody likes to admit that they are still clinging to the past; especially not in front of yourself and especially not if the whole thing did not turn out really well. All the self-tearing is not necessary.

Important people stay in your head

Because thinking about your ex long after the breakup is not really unusual. “It is perfectly normal to think of an ex-partner if they are occasional thoughts or thoughts that are not associated with pain or longing. After all, that was an important person in my own life and there were certainly good reasons for that, ”explains relationship expert and book author Elena Sohn.

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so no reason to panic. Just because the memory catches up with you every now and then doesn't necessarily mean that you are longing for the past relationship and still fervently longing for your ex. However, it is definitely worth taking a closer look at the context in which you remember the ex.

Lack of alternatives

There are, for example, harmless triggers that are linked to concrete experiences; So everything that falls in the broadest sense of the category “sweetheart, they're playing our song”: a certain street corner, a favorite meal together, the place of the first love holiday, the mother-in-law's first name. The memories of it are often accompanied by nostalgic feelings - good or bad - that evaporate after a short time.

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But it can also be due to the lack of real alternatives. If your last intense relationship was a long time ago and you haven't found anyone really exciting since then, your head automatically returns to the last available emotional experience in the romantic context. That too is quite normal and not exceptional.

It is easy to check whether this is the case. With the question: Would you also think of him * her if you were interested in someone new? "If the answer is yes, then it is usually more about the longing for a partnership in general than about the specific person," says the relationship expert.

Just a song or a longing?

However, there is also the unprocessed separation. "Of course, it is different whether you think of someone from time to time, for example because a song reminds you of it, or whether you think back to this person regularly and longingly," says Elena Sohn.

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So it is important to ask the honest question where the thoughts of the ex really come from. "Here it is important to be honest - to the other, but also to yourself," says the expert. "Because if the feelings for the ex are still great, it makes sense either to fight for him or her or to calmly work through the reasons for the failure of the relationship, so that you can finally accept and let go of them."

Beware of the past

The memory of the ex can also become a problem if the past stands in the way of the happiness of the present. "For example, when you're single and the constant thoughts of your ex keep you from opening up to something new," says Elena Sohn.

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Even people in a relationship sometimes think of the ex and that too is totally normal and okay. Unless they make comparisons and secretly want to come back. Elena Sohn: “Then it may be that you only stay with your new partner because you don't think of any more chances with your ex. And that's unfair. ”Because nobody deserves to be just a distracting, heartache relieving rebound romance of second choice.

You never forget some people

In addition, it must be said clearly at this point, there are people in life that you cannot forget. Because the feelings were so intense, because significant things happened in your life at the time of the relationship, or simply because you spent so much time together. Elena Sohn: "If someone has been in a relationship with someone for 20 years, for example, that person is a big part of the biography."

But that doesn't mean that this person deserves a place in your real, current life. Some people are very well kept in the back left of their hearts and memories.

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And the people who tore your heart out of your chest, tore it up, ate it, puked it and then set it on fire, unfortunately remain in your memory for a particularly long time. "It is often the case that particularly difficult, painful relationships keep us busy longer than one that was very relaxed," says the expert.

It means nothing

So the next time your ex's face pops up in your head while cleaning or going for a walk - take a deep breath, relax. “You think of good old friends more often and find it completely normal,” says relationship expert Elena Sohn.

As long as the mop doesn't fall out of your hand while sobbing or you hug the next tree whimpering, the memory of the ex means nothing. Except that you once had an intimate connection with another person and this experience is now part of your life story. And, heartbreak or not, that's basically a good thing.

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