How can I develop a good personality

"I can do this!" How children develop strong personalities

Facets and characteristics of a strong personality.

We parents want our children to grow into strong personalities who see challenges in difficulties and also cope well with setbacks. Resilience is the technical term for this "immune system of the soul". The most important foundations for this are laid in childhood. At the same time, external demands on upbringing and education are increasing. It all means one a lot of pressure, that rests on the shoulders of the parents.

Ingeborg Saval, psychotherapist and qualified pedagogue, describes in her book “Planet Schule. Mastering everyday school life together and carefree ”, how families can reduce the stress between school, leisure time and individual support. She talks to us about Competencieswho have favourited children to develop a strong personality to develop.

"If the little ones go through life openly, curiously and self-confidently, they learn to recognize their own strengths better and to use them properly."

In summary - this is how children develop strong personalities:

1. Unconditional love

"I love you!" is the most important sentence a child should hear and feel. And this love must never be linked to a requirement. There is no room for comparison here either, because every person is unique.

2. Rules and Limits

Children want structures and rules that everyone adheres to. Parents are positive role models and can also calmly and consistently communicate a "no". Clear boundaries also convey stability, security and ethical values.

3. Responsibility and Trust

Children want to feel that parents see in them unique personalities who are also allowed to learn from their own experiences and actions. They want to have a say in the decision-making process and feel that they are given responsibility.

4. Childhood and ease

In addition to support offers and a sense of achievement, children need playful ease and their own unique children's world. There is room for imagination, movement and children's communities. There you get strength for new challenges.

5. Optimism and humor

Laughing together is good for the whole family. It relieves emotional tension, negative attitudes and stress. It helps to change the direction of view and connects. Happy children are strong children!

With scoyo for more self-determination and confidence in learning:

The whole interview:

How can parents strengthen their children's personality without overwhelming them?

scoyo: What are the cornerstones for children to develop strong personalities?

Ingeborg Saval:Above all, children need a secure emotional base and adults they can count on. You need the feeling of Security and securityIn order to be able to assess new situations and experiences not as threats but as challenges. Strong bonds from the beginning, experiences of achievement and the feeling of being valuable gradually give confidence in one's own strengths and abilities.

Neither adults nor children always have to do everything right. Mistakes are a part of life. One can learn from them. Children can only get the strength for life and the strength to deal with setbacks from real, honest people. That too Showing feelings such as anger, disappointment, or sadness is fine as long as you don't hold the little ones accountable. Maintaining habits, e.g. B. family celebrations, rituals when going to bed or the punctuality in the payment of pocket money, provide security. But a life that is too rigid, too regulated, which leaves little room for personal reflection, narrows you down. Children want to try themselvesto grow beyond oneself and increase their scope and freedom. As they get older, they want to negotiate more and more rules with their parents. This way they practice discussing and arguing.

The fair negotiation of compromises and solutions promotes social competence and the feeling of growing strength - this is how you continuously develop your personality.

scoyo: How much influence do parents' actions have on the personal development of children?

Ingeborg Saval: Every child is fundamentally inquisitive. The family is important in all areas and should be natural curiosity of the child support and do not brake under any circumstances. When children are lovingly stimulated, it is easy and playful for them to develop skills, because they can and want to keep learning. Free play, as well as board or role-playing games, play an important role here: children learn social action and strategic thinking in play, they practice their creativity and ingenuity, expand their scope for action and learn through trial and error. And by the way, they practice how to deal competently with mistakes. All of this enables the basis to grow into a strong personality.

Because young people in principle learn most through imitation, it is particularly important for us parents to examine ourselves and To convey values ​​and competencies through actions. Children don't get smarter or more social just through words. Whether they like to learn or rather withdraw passively, whether they dare to act strongly and independently and to pursue goals, also depends on what we set an example for them. Adults are role models and children like competent, reliable adults.

scoyo: There are now funding opportunities like sand on the sea. How do parents make the right choice in order to promote the potential of their child and thus also the development of a strong personality?

Ingeborg Saval: The more new experiences they bring, the more a child will goto the idiosyncrasies and individual interests fit. If the expectations of parents or the norms of society come first, children learn above all to adapt and to obey the wishes of others. However, this rarely results in real joy and enthusiasm. The development of the brain depends not only on how it is used, but also on what feelings are there. Emotions affect memory, learning, and performance. If a child feels comfortable, can pursue their special interests, and it is there that they receive support, they will build self-esteem. That is pure motivation!

But a child can only persevere with new experiences, even if difficulties arise, if they know that they will be accepted and loved even without special achievements. This is important in developing a strong personality. However, we also expect our children to grapple with annoying duties and take care of unloved necessities. To a certain extent, this is also justified if, for example, B. homework or practicing vocabulary. But is it really necessary for Hans to play chess regularly with his father, even though he is keenly interested in the car repair shop around the corner? Does Tanja have to go on a language trip during the holidays, even though her passion is handball?

Children become happy, strong and competent personalities when they are allowed to develop their talents in a protected environment, without coercion or pressure.

scoyo: The feeling creeps in that parents are “over-promoting” their children and thus putting them under pressure. It used to be different! Where does this mania for funding come from?

Ingeborg Saval: Everything that the child is good at also makes the parents feel good and makes them proud. That is normal. Many families today stay much closer and longer with their children. They just want the best for their offspring, and the market responds to that desire. Society, politics and the media are also showing more interest in the optimal development of children than in previous generations. The awareness of having to assert oneself in competition therefore tends to intervene in children's everyday life earlier.

That is definitely positive and even brain research shows the importance of adequate support measures. Caution is advised, however, if a child constantly feels at the center of all observations and new attempts at encouragement. Too much causes stress and leads to the fact that the child shows less interest in new offers.

scoyo: Children need recognition and encouragement. But what is too much and what is too little in terms of developing a strong personality?

Ingeborg Saval: You can compare the performance of a child with the metaphor of the half-full or half-empty glass: We can especially look forward to successes and thus encourage further steps, or we can focus specifically on mistakes.

If criticism and worry dominate in the relationship with the child, it is difficult to develop a stable sense of self-worth. The natural thirst for knowledge then withdraws and fear or self-doubt have free rein. This does not mean that we children have to praise children for everything in principle. For example, if you have no problem with adding, a quiet “ok” is sufficient. If we cheer a child for every little thing and matter of course, it will no longer be able to be happy about it. A helpful, honest review should always refer to the matter and never to the child: "But you are sloppy with arithmetic" has a different effect than: "Take a careful look at the results again, inaccuracies have crept in."

Also Fears should not be passed on to the child become. When a child hears, "Dad wasn't good at maths either", it switches over very easily and thinks, "That's why it's not me either". A simple explanation is better: “Look, sometimes it takes a little longer to get to grips with a subject. It's the same with learning. Shall I help you? ”It is part of life and learning that some things are easier and some are harder. The more parents demonstrate this attitude to their children, the easier it is for children to deal with failures and mishaps.

scoyo: The older children get, the more friends come to the fore. Parents sometimes have a hard time letting go. What makes children strong now? How should parents behave?

Ingeborg Saval: Parents have the difficult task of making themselves superfluous step by step and then being happy about it. Because with increasing age, the offspring not only needs the family, but also other communities.

Children need friends they choose themselves and they want to be selected. These friendships are important to enable orientation in one's own age group and to promote separation from the parental home. They can only live out their age-appropriate fantasy and share their world with other children. But parents are and still are important, they have to give support, show interest, create a safe haven, but also withdraw when everything is going well. Some parents want to become their children's best friends. I don't think that's worth striving for, because friends can change, friendships sometimes break. Mom and Dad, on the other hand, are unique and their love is indestructible. Parents stay out of this certainty trustworthy contact person and so make it easier for your child Path to self-employment. And that's exactly how they can grow into a strong personality.

About Ingeborg Saval:

© Ingeborg Saval Ingeborg Saval has been working as a teacher and psychotherapist for over 25 years, with her own practice in Vienna. Her focus is on systematic individual, couple and family therapy, mainly supporting parents and children in dealing with difficult situations and mastering them. With her two books "Starke Kinder" and "Planet Schule", both published by Trias Verlag, two guides have been created that provide suggestions for creating a harmonious everyday family life with a few tricks.

Christina Drachsler conducted the interview.