What kind of girl are you going to marry

I am not the girl you are going to marry

If you know you are not who he is going to marry, it may not be because you argued and split up and will never see each other again.

It may not happen in the midst of marriage plans, it doesn't happen after the engagement when you choose colors and flowers and invitations.

Most of the time it happens in the quiet moments of the morning, or when you look up at the person sitting across from you at dinner, or when you lie awake in bed at night and you realize that your thoughts aren't about them and that one day it will end will go.

It's a very gentle, very little voice that tells you, "He's not 'the one'", whatever 'the one' means to you, but few people listen to it before they end up ruined by their ignorance to let.

It will be bittersweet and sad, a final judgment hanging over your head. Because what you have together will one day end, and it will become clear and obvious to you as you watch other couples take these next steps, whether you want to take them yourself or not.

Whether you ever wanted to get married or not, whether it ever meant a lot to you or not. Because even if you're not the type to get married, this isn't about the act of getting married in and of itself.

It is forever that is no longer up for debate. It will hover over you when you realize that you are ultimately not right for him and that he is ultimately not right for you. That you won't be together in the end. That your time is finite.

But not having it forever doesn't mean that this is the end. Not quite. Not yet. Because love comes and goes, and the people we love come and go in our lives for their own reasons, their own occasion, their own intentions, and their own timing.

And that timing of those reasons to stay and leave their commitment doesn't mean that they loved us less, or that what they have with you and feel about you is less good or real.

Because it's good. And it's real. And whether or not this good thing is the kind of love we are told to look for, the kind of love that is drummed into us to want to find it sometime and somewhere in front of the altar - the fact is that we still have them.

That we still love someone and hopefully they love us too.

And that is precious and rare, and to end it sooner rather than later just because you are afraid of the end is to take the fact for granted that you have it, that you have found it, that it is love anyway.

We build up all of these ideas about finding the One, looking for the forever and the future and the not-so-distant horizon, so that we sometimes forget the now.

Because the person we are right now also needs love, whether that is a love forever or a love that can take care of us here and now.

Your middle school crush isn't your high school love, isn't your college love, isn't your first partner to live with, isn't your stopgap, isn't your long-term partner, isn't your long-distance relationship, isn't your forever .

Each of them serves its purpose. Each of them is special and one person can play some or all of these roles, but multiple people can play different roles.

What you need is what you need What you need is love

And so when you realize that the person you are with is not the person you are going to marry, you will want to reject him gently so that you don't waste his time.

But how could it be a waste of time loving someone? How could it be anything but productive to want to see him happy?

I'm not the right one for you, you whisper in the quiet moments when he's asleep and your thoughts race beside him.

I'm too loud and stubborn and we are at odds about politics and I don't like your mother and you hate avocados and who hates avocados and something just doesn't feel right between us and it can't be denied; Denying it feels like giving yourself up.

And your mind spins on and on because you realize it's all going to end, but sometimes it's worth going on anyway because you don't quite know how or why or when.

Sometimes you just have to wait. Sometimes it's still worth reading the story, spoiler or not. Because even tragedies have their moments of happiness and their jokes and loosening comedy and the memories that are worth discovering for their own sake.

Because disregarding a love that doesn't last forever means disregarding a love that could still be strong and life-changing in its own way.

Because you never know what the future holds until you get there. Because you never know if you could not be wrong.

Maybe you want to prove to yourself that you are wrong. Maybe you think. Maybe I am the one you're going to marry after all.

And if you love this person right now, at this very moment, in the here and now, whatever the future has in store, then loving him is what you should be doing anyway.